I wish I could punch you in the face.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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