I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
