Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Drunk is not a location!
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