This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
