So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
