The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
