I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
my penis made a compromise with my morals
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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