i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
In America we eat man semen.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Randomize