How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
