We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
