I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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