i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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