Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Randomize