Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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