Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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