There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
