Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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