I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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