Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
You were trust falling into bushes
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
