quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
