I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
