i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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