tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Is it penis luge time yet?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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