PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
