for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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