he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Why is there bacon in the couch?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize