I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
