My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
