i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
