does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
