My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Randomize
