just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Randomize
