For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
