ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
