Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Randomize
