he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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