I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Randomize
