I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
