I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
