I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize