he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
