I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
