Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
