My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
