i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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