nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
