"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
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