I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Randomize