he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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