I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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