It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I came so hard my ears popped.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
