I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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