I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Randomize
