FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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