At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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