Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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