My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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