12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Watching her eat just hurts me
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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