That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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