I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
