the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
