Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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