Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Randomize
