her vagine was all disorganized.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
