For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
